“There are so many lost souls here.”

I was digging for my social security card when it happened. I found it, in an old purse. The letter from my brother.

You see, I did my taxes today, 4/4, just shy of when they are due, per the usual. But I couldn’t find my school tax form and because they sent it to me, I can’t just reprint it. No. I have to fill out this form in addition to a copy of my social security card, they need a photo ID, blah blah blah. Fine, no problem.

But I didn’t know where my social security card was, so I started digging.

But the letter, oh the letter. Immediately I knew what it was, that it was one of the more recent ones, that it would tear my heart open in the best way. When Andy was good, God, he was the absolute best. You’ve never seen a bigger, whiter smile or felt a more loving hug. And I knew this letter would be just that.

I will always remember you this way!

The absolute freaking best.

Sure, there are some complaints in there, but that was just Andy’s way.

The thing is, I just thought about him on my way home from my errands and taxes, no more than 30 minutes ago. Not that it’s anything new. He is on my mind all the time.

I’m just missing him, or I am thinking of all the could have’s, but today, I was thinking about my need to heal. I haven’t even tried and truth be told, I haven’t looked at one text from Andy, I haven’t listened to one saved voicemail, though I have several, I’m sure. I threw out every one of his letters too, post-divorce. So this one was truly an answered prayer.

I was praying about it in the car. Praying for strength and to have a peace with God’s plan. But it was a rough prayer sesh for me, I was sad and feeling like I didn’t do enough. And then, the letter.

“I have to thank you again for everything; your support through my whole messed up adult life has been more beneficial to me than you may ever know. And the thought of your support and kind words and thoughts help me on a daily basis.” His words, to me.

I am crying reading them again, typing them. Thank you for your words, Andrew, right when I needed them.

He read a lot, too, back then. He liked the Buddhist way and would teach me through his words. He told me he was reading his usual “Buddhism Liturgy” and a lot of self-help books, even though they are corny. He quoted “to appreciate the idea that the values of the world we inhabit and the people we surround ourselves with have a profound effect on who we are.”

He said he liked it. That he wanted to “stay busy” and “surround himself with positive people no matter what.” That, too, is super hard to read and type. God, I miss you.

(Talking of prison life) he wrote that, “Another quote which I liked but cannot find goes something like, “Either teach them or learn to bear them,” by Marcus Aurelius.

He also talked of being denied a visit from my Dad due to a new metal plate in his knee. He called it ‘bogus’ in his very Andy-like way and said he hoped Dad was coming home from up north and that he hadn’t wasted the drive. He talked about the weather, and urged me forward with work saying “Best wishes with all of your work endeavors, I hope you can sustain yourself doing what you enjoy.”

He said he wished to do some volunteer work, that it would make him feel good to help people.

He closed with that shoutout to me that I shared at the beginning. I am still crying writing this, it goes between happy and sad tears, and a gratefulness that I found this letter, which I will forever cherish.

That’s all for now. If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. This hasn’t been edited and I’m about to post it. This is as raw and real as it gets, haha.

God bless you XOXO

2019: The Year That Should Have Broke Me

I just refused to let it.
I thought this would be my best year yet.
I started out 2019 traveling the US with my husband, a dream we had made a reality. When our marriage fell apart in early March, I shared about my separation and pending divorce. And as if that weren’t heart-wrenching enough for one year..
I didn’t share that my younger, older brother, was released from prison for maybe the fifth time..? I’ve honestly lost count. (And well hoping for the best, I prayed not to have to live through the worst, again.)
I didn’t share that I had a friendship-ending falling out with my “forever” best friend of 20 years in April.
Or that my step-dad was diagnosed with cancer just before Father’s day.
Or they my mom was diagnosed with cancer in August.
These things shattered my world, one by one, seemingly again and again.
So I did what I do, and I cried. I cried the tears and I felt the feels.
Then, I pulled myself together, and found strength through it all.
I cannot say the whole year was a bust. That brother I talked about is the strongest, most resilient version of himself that I have ever known, and we are closer than ever.
And that friendship I lost in April was superseded by meeting, online and then in person, the most faith-filled, beautiful inside and out, loving and caring girl that I have ever met in my entire life the month before that, and I joyously call her best friend.

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My parents are still not 100%, but are both cancer-free, praise God!
And while I don’t know where I want to live or what I want to do with my life entirely, I completed training for my new career in September and have been a flight attendant ever since, a job that I love even more than I thought I would.
In 2019, I kept select people close and I kept God closer. I put my life 100% into His hands, like never before.
I was scared and felt lost, had no idea where to live, what to do, how to feel..or how to do it all earlier this year. So I let go, and I let God.
This isn’t some miraculous turn around story and I can honestly say I’m SO happy this year is almost over.
I can also say that my work life is pretty fantastic but the rest of my life is still messy, and it still hurts.
My parents are on the mend, and I’m beyond thankful for that. My ex BFF and I have completely severed ties but I know that the people I do have in my corner are my people, my family, and my heart. I’m so blessed to have them.
And no matter what, I choose happy everyday. I choose laughing and making new IMG_20191128_130023memories to crying and replaying old ones. I choose joy and excited anticipation for the future.
I know next year won’t be perfect, and I have no false hope about creating a life without ups and downs. But at the end of this year, I find myself with a new sense of calm, a reclaimed joy, and the ability to fully-focus on the good, beautiful, and abundant blessings around me.
I didn’t write this as a pity post, or to brag on how I came out on the other side but yet to share this very real and very raw side of me as this year comes to a close. We all struggle, and we all go through hard things, whether we talk about them, or not.
If you want to share or talk through anything, please reach out to me. I will be more than happy to listen, and show you love, to pray, and be an ear for you to talk to.
And please, give yourself to God, so that He can guide you. I promise you, you can get through the hard stuff. Always believe and stay full of faith, and happy almost 2020 friends=)

I’m Back and I’m Ready to Talk, Kinda

It’s been on my heart to share my life, but in the midst of the hard stuff, talking about the hard stuff, well, that’s the hardest stuff of all.

But when you truly feel a calling to do something, you cannot get away from it.

You can push it away, you can think yourself out of it, you can “wait” until you’re past the hard part to talk about it… if you want to.

Or, you can just start talking.

I haven’t been talking too much, but then again, maybe just enough. I’ve shared about my separation and divorce, but not the other things that have happened these last 9 or so months.

And, if I’m being really real, my divorce was the least hardest thing I’ve been through this year. I haven’t been very vocal about the rest but instead have tried to share that I’m struggling but still choosing happy, that things are hard, but I’m making them happen anyway, and that just because your life is a wreck, doesn’t mean you have to be.

It’s not here that I’ve shared things, but on my Facebook page and on Instagram. It’s not daily posts or anything, but really real, really heartfelt truths that I feel truly led to share.

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And then, when I do, someone will pm me or dm me, they will ask a seemingly unrelated question to which I answer with something so raw, I think it couldn’t possibly be what they meant, what they wanted to hear, or what they needed. But it is.

It turns out it’s EXACTLY what they wanted from me. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Their truth is that they want to hear my truth. They want to know what is happening with me and how the fuck (sorry for the language) I’m getting through it. Much less smiling, much less LIVING.

I miss blogging. I miss sharing my life. But I don’t miss that I was only sharing a part of my life. It was only the part of life I wanted to share. The happy stuff, the fun stuff, the smiles and the trips and the special occasions. It wasn’t all of it.

And this will not turn into a negative or ranting space, but it will be the realest me yet. Because I am not who I was when I started this blog, I’m not even who I was at the beginning of this year, and I am NEVER going to let me get away again.

I will still share food and fun, I will still share my faith, but I will also share my struggles, the hard stuff, the stuff I just know you want to hear. And I know it’s what you want to hear, what you need to hear..

Because you keep telling me.

 

 

PS you can find and follow me on media if you want to:

Facebook: Emily Ann     Instagram: iwantwellness.co

Also, Happy Thanksgiving! Remember all you have to be thankful for!!!

I’ve Been Quiet, And This Is Why

I’ve been really quiet on my blog and social media. And if I’m being honest, it’s been really hard to get back into it.

I have all these ideas, content for days..but I just don’t want to.

Because I also have a sadness, a hurt, and something that has really turned my world upside down. I have a pending divorce, a soon to be ex-husband, and a hole in my heart and in my days, too.

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I haven’t talked that much about it. I’ve done what I can not to think about it, dwell on it, or make myself relive it again and again.

But the truth is, it’s very much on my mind. It’s fresh and raw, and it’s heartbreaking. But it’s a part of my life now, and I’m learning to accept it.

The thing is, I didn’t ever talk much about our problems. But really, not many people do. I tried to see the best in everything, focus on the good stuff, and do what I could to make the bad stuff, better.

But it didn’t work and this is where I am now. I’m hurting, healing, and trying to smile, all at the same time. But back to my point, I’ve been quiet, but I don’t want to be.

I asked a friend of mine, why? If I have all these ideas, plans, content, and things to say, why am I feeling so restricted and closed off. She asked me if I had blogged about my divorce yet. And the simple answer was…

no.

She told me I was feeling inauthentic. She said that I wasn’t feeling up for sharing, blogging, and talking because I didn’t share about the divorce yet. And she was right.

So this is me, sharing. This is me opening up and being vulnerable about the hardest thing I have been through thus far. And you know what?

It’s still hard and it really hurts. But I want to heal. I want to grow. I want to be the me that loves, cares, and always finds a way. So that is what I’m doing.

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I’m finding my way, slowly. It’s a painstaking process and it’s far from over, but I’m doing it. And it’s not going to last forever. And you know what else? I’m gaining courage and strength from it.

And these things are coming from unexpected sources. For example, I made a public announcement about our divorce on Facebook, (partly because I have shared so much about Nick and I on Facebook throughout the years and also partly so I wouldn’t have to retell the story forever,) and I can barely begin to tell you how many people reached out to me.

Some pretty close friends had been through a divorce, and I had no idea. Others are literally going through the exact same thing as me, right now.

Perspective.

We are not alone in this world. We are not the only ones facing hardships. And when we share our story, it opens us up to additional support and love from our people.

I realize this also may open me up to scrutiny. Questions of, “Did you fight for your marriage?” were hard to hear.

All I know is this was the right thing. I don’t feel a “huge sense of relief,” and I’m not sure I ever will. But I do know one thing.

Time moves us forward, whether we like it or not. All you have to do it put one foot in front of the other, each day. And eventually the hurt and the memories will fade. The future plans you looked forward to will be changed into new plans and become a new life.

And this will be just another part of the past. I just remind myself to leave it there, so that I can look forward to my future.

Thanks for reading, following me on this journey, and supporting me. XOXO

 

Scripture Sunday: Remember His Plan

I’ve said before, “Why can’t God just write me a quick post-it, or send me a text?” How easy would that be?

Sometimes I think it’s easier to just try your hardest and go for what you want in this life, assuming that’s the plan. And sometimes I feel like it’s more pressure not knowing what will happen.

I want a “Yes, do that” or a “No, not yet.” Or a bright green light that illuminates everything, saying “Do it now, right now!”

Sometimes, you will have this feeling. You’ll feel in the exact right place, at the exact right time, and you’ll just know. But often times, for me at least, I don’t know and I don’t have the green light, intuition of it all.

So, in the words of a dear friend, pray. Ask Him what His plan is. Better yet, run your plans by Him. Pray to him and tell him everything. Yes, He already knows, but it will help you to talk it out and be clear.

Then, listen. Listen to what He says. Know that there is a reason for it all. Be patient in it all.

He says He gives us the desires of our hearts. If that doesn’t say it all, what does? I still want the email or the heads up, but instead, I have to be patient in the waiting.

Also, don’t forget to smile. You have to be open and ready to hear Him.

Happy Sunday!

Be Happier Today with These Five Things

Everyone wants to be happy. Want to get happy from the inside out? It isn’t about fancy dinners, expensive trips, and stuff.

But instead about true human connection, love, and exploring the splendors of the world. This life on earth is our only one.

Rough day, rough week? No fear. These ideas will get you on track to feeling better. And never forget to fake it ’til you make it!

1. Smile. Seriously. Smile and see what happens. No matter your emotion, literally e7ab0efd45f9779322d14b4cf0da7d35--smile-word-be-smileturning up your lips in a smile creates the illusion of happiness and you can trick yourself into a better mood. Because, when you are in a good mood, you smile. So, do it on purpose and see what happens.
2. Think of something you’re thankful for. All of us have something to be thankful for. Most of us have so many things to be thankful for. Thinking about the good things in life is the best way to be happy. And really, we could all stand to be more thankful in this life.
3. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Life can be stressful. Work, errands, family, and even friends can make it so busy. But you know what you can do, no matter where you are, or what you’re doing? You can take a minute to yourself. You can literally walk away from the madness, or at least block it out. Take the time to close your eyes, and take a deep breath…    Ok, carry on.
4. Oils. I’m sorry if you didn’t see it coming, but if you’ve read my stuff before, I’m sureroller-balls you did. Look. Essential oils changed.my.life. I cannot say enough good about them. And whatever you need, I’m telling you, “There’s an oil for that!” So whether you swipe some on, diffuse it into the air you breathe or sniff it straight out of the bottle, oils will make you happier today. If you haven’t already, you must try them.
5. Laugh. Google a joke or better yet, ask the person next to you/person in the same room/Alexa, to tell you one. Laughing literally renews the spirit. It helps rid the body of depression. It brings you to a place of innocence, and it just feels so good.
I love these tips and I try to do them everyday, sometimes even several times a day. And the more “not happy” I feel, the more I try to do them. Because, self care.

Happy Thursday XOXO

Check out my wellness book for more on how to feel best everyday and if you want to know more about oils, leave a comment.

Disclaimer: I use Young Living Essential Oils and based on my research, I believe these are the best, safest, and most pure oils on the market. PLEASE do your own research and determine which oils are best for you and your family.